I keep telling myself, “Heaven couldn’t wait for you”. July 6th, will always be the best and scariest day of my life. When I read that test, and it was positive, my heart bust with joy. Hearing your heartbeat, the smile, pure joy and wonder on your dad’s face made me the happiest I have ever felt. The kisses he gave you, made me proud. We spoke of you, long before you came. We envisioned our lives with the angel god was going to bless us with, and we planned and plotted on how to give you the best life possible.
From joy to sorrow, it all came to an end. Heartbreak so strong it crippled me. The vastness I felt within both body and heart, left me devastated. I hope you know I fought for you, I held you in my arms as I dreamt, I pictured your face, your smile and laugh. Now my arms are empty, at the thought of you tears drop -lost kisses, lost hugs, lost cuddles and lost love.
In the mist of my pain, disbelieve, anger and sorrow my husband was my rock. A man whose mother showed no affection, and taught him to do the same; reached deep down in his love tank to shoulder us through. It is because of his strength and love that I managed to fight the overwhelming feeling of nothingness.
Two years later, I still think of you and what would have been. It’s getting easier but never forgotten. When I lost you, I lost a piece of myself. The tragedies of motherhood whether miscarriages or infertility are often not discussed in the African culture. There’s so much we don’t talk about or understand. We are expected to soldier through, with bravery and constant reminders to leave it to God. It is an experience that words cannot begin to explain the depth of despair that parents go through. Perhaps, in speaking on it, one day the topic will be openly discussed and women will feel comfortable enough to lean on their fellow women, fellow African women.
To all the women who have experienced the loss of a child, know that your angel is watching over you, he/she is proud of your will to carry-on and your endless love for them both in thought and in your heart.
Learn more about what your friend, sister, daughter, mother etc. is going through (it never goes away), and how you can be sensitive and helpful. Visit the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
Author: OSOW Community Member